Makeover Cures for the Common Cougar
At TAAZ, we refer to the most common type as “Makeupus Maximus,” the suburban dweller. She is the extreme California cougar who worships at the altar of all things artificial. She idolizes eternal youth. And she often misses the mark when putting her look together. If it weren’t for the four-inch stilettos and too-tight Juicy Couture sweatpants that slow her down, her teenage daughters could not keep up (think Mrs. Robinson on peroxide and tequila shots). Side note: Cougars who choose to nest in metropolitan areas often hide their spots under chinchilla furs—or they quite literally have them laser removed by a top dermatologist. We suspect this is why The Real Housewives of New York City never really attained cult status. They were so boring compared to their West Coast counterparts.
Though a cougar ranges in age (starting at 35) and marital status (divorced, married or single), she is easy to spot in a crowd. Distinguishing characteristics include bleached hair, collagen lips and cleavage that goes kapow! There really isn’t much creative expression involved in being an extreme cougar since the look resembles a stepford blow-up doll. Nevertheless, it’s a full-time gig. Between the Botox, Restylane lip injections and various lifts and tucks, there is little room for a day job. Fortunately, the suburban cougar has already married for money and is simply out to steal your boyfriend or corrupt your younger brother.
There are a multitude of beauty sins knowingly committed by the cougar: She wears evening makeup for day, undergoes plastic surgery when it's not necessary, and reveals too much skin when it’s completely inappropriate, like at a funeral or graduation. Her unabashedly sexy antics inevitably border on tacky.
Extreme cougars often make the mistake of wearing too much lip gloss and liner, and according to one of TAAZ’s intrepid Twitter followers, they wear mismatched foundation that’s too dark for their natural skin tone: “What worked in the summer of ’83 doesn’t work now!”
As a rule, California cougar women love the sun or any reasonable facsimile that browns the skin to hide—and, ironically, worsen—a multitude of fine lines, wrinkles and age spots. Find them browsing department store cosmetics departments for self-tanner and bronzing powders, or stealthily dodging inside a tanning salon, even though they know its long-term effects (life is a perpetual party for the cougar, therefore she lives in the moment and deals with the consequences later). Cougars are ultra tan as a rule, but never so tan as to be compared with Madga of There’s Something About Mary. Magda is a separate article altogether and undoubtedly one of the best Halloween costume ideas of all time. --Stephanie Simons
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